Dear Darm,

It’s been a year (and a day) since you left us. It’s been an emotional past couple of days because the memories and feelings of that fateful day just came rushing back.

I think about you now and then, though not as frequently as a couple of months since you passed. When I was pregnant, Zig and I were thinking of naming our son after you but we eventually passed on that idea a few days before I gave birth since we only wanted one Daryl in our life. Last month I cried in the middle The Rocks because we saw a food truck that you and Zig texted about 2 weeks before you passed. Last week in TimeHop i saw a Twitter exchange between us but I couldn’t figure out what the topic was.

I still remember when I found out. It was the morning after, 4th July when I woke up to texts and missed calls from Mikey, Char and Ram. I feared the worst but couldn’t reach any of them. It was by scrolling through Facebook that I saw someone announce your passing. It was annoying but I’m glad it happened that way because it spared Mikey, Char or Ram from breaking the news to me without any warning.

Zig woke up to me bawling. Then Mikey called so I handed the phone to Zig. Then Ram called. He was so strong. He’s been strong since. Zig and I were in shock. I already had a headache from all the crying. So Zig and I decided to walk it off. Pinaglakad mo kami ng 1 km all the way to the Filipino store because we needed comfort food. I don’t remember what we bought and whether we cooked anything because it was all a blur after that.

I have no profound thoughts on grief. I just know it comes in waves, it sometimes hits you unexpectedly and knocks the wind out of you.

I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks after you passed and told everyone else 3 weeks after. How crazy is it that I get pregnant so soon after you went to heaven. My family has been praying for a baby months prior but I’d like to believe that you had a hand in making sure this finally happens for us.

You would’ve loved Adam and he would’ve loved you. It hurts knowing you’re not here for the big moments. I’m heartbroken that our group of friends won’t grow old together. I miss you. I miss the “you and Ram”. I miss the “us 6” core group.

I miss your big hugs and you calling me “Kristinuuhh” when we see each other. I miss your banter with Mikey in person or through Whatsapp. I miss the 2 great days we hung out here in Sydney.

I miss you and Ram. I miss Ram. Please watch over him. I love Ram, not just because you loved him first but because I get along with him so well and he’s such an awe-inspiring human being. Please continue to be our guardian angel here.

It will be years before I stop getting teary-eyed thinking of you. You’re not just a random person. You were my friend, my brother, my colleague and you left a gaping hole in my heart. I want to remember you as this charismatic, warm, affectionate person, with a smile similar to the photo above. You looked so happy. We all were.