I have to say, I miss being pregnant. I miss the feeling of touching my belly (I still do this sometimes, subconsciously) knowing there’s a living thing growing inside of me. I miss people fussing over me and the feeling that I can use the pregnancy card if I want to get out of something (it came in handy when I didn’t feel like unloading the dishwasher at home). I miss the feeling of Adam’s kicks in my belly and when we still called him Potato because we haven’t landed on a name yet at that time. Homeboy kicked a lot in utero and seeing how he moves now, it all makes sense.

My pregnancy was pretty smooth. A “straightforward pregnancy” as my OB calls it and it remained that way until I gave birth. Thank you Lord.

The journey leading to that point was a bit bumpy. For starters, Zig and I have been “passively trying”, i.e. not using any protection, for 4 years and never got pregnant. In typical Filipino, relatives have been regularly asking when I was going to have a baby. I just say to them that everything that has to happen biologically is happening naman and if I’m meant to be a mother, I will be in God’s time. But four years is an awful long time and I wasn’t getting any younger.

Over the years I would get that sinking feeling in my stomach when i get my period and I would get sad during Mother’s Day. In 2021, I subconsciously told myself, if it doesn’t happen this year, it’s not going to happen. I was turning 36 – officially in my late 30s – and the window to get pregnant is now tiny. Zig and I decided it was time to get ourselves checked (but it was also mildly suggested by my mother because even she was getting impatient that I was not pregnant yet).

We spent about a thousand dollars for tests and consults with an IVF doctor (thankfully the government subsidised half the cost) over a span of 4 weeks. I just wanted to know if maybe biologically, there was something going on with me or Zig that prevented us from conceiving. The results of the tests? Everything was normal and i had “unexplained” infertility. Jesus Christ. All that time and money and we still don’t know what’s wrong. Because the doctor we saw was an IVF doctor, his recommendation was to start IVF treatment if we wanted to have a baby. It was a tricky decision – did we want to have a child bad enough to spend thousands of dollars on a procedure that won’t really guarantee that i’ll get pregnant? Or do we just go with the flow and be at peace with the outcome. I was leaning towards the latter because Zig and I were happy where we were. We didn’t feel like anything was missing in our lives since we already had two babies to look after. Besides, I’ve gone with the flow for a lot of my major life decisions and I truly trusted in what God has planned for me.

While I went with the flow, my mother and the rest of my family (at her bidding) prayed really hard for me to get pregnant. This piece of information was even kept from me so I did not feel pressured. They were about 6 months too late for that. Before I could decide which path in this figurative forked road to take, Darm passed away unexpectedly and everything took a backseat. That turned my whole world upside down and having a baby was the least of my worries.

That’s when the pregnancy crept up on me. I mean of course I get pregnant when I least expected it. Of course it was God reminding us of this precious circle of life, you lose a life, you gain a life. And of course, God decided that now was the right time. Knowing what I know now, it was absolutely the right time but I did not see it yet at that time.

The events leading up to finding out I was pregnant was a saga in itself.

It was Ika’s birthday, July 29, and I bought her an insta-worthy cake in the shape of an I with toppings of macarons and roses. Apparently, my mom took it as a sign that a prayer has been answered. Again, she did not tell me this directly. She told my sister who then told me. All she told said to me was “did you get your period.”

I hadn’t gotten my period yet but I wouldn’t consider myself late. I casually took a pregnancy test anyway and planned to take a picture of the negative result to shut her up. But holy fucking shit it turned out to be positive.

(Side note: aside from the obvious scientific explanation of how I got pregnant, there are different views of why I got pregnant this time. If you ask my mum she will say it was the prayers. If you ask me, I think Daryl put in a good word for us in heaven. If you ask Zig, it was the Blackmores Prostate health supplements, aka his “dick pills”, Lol.)

I totally did not expect the result and a mix of emotions came rushing – fear, disbelief, joy. My head was screaming, fuck how do I tell Zig?!, Who will take care of this baby? Can we afford to go on mat leave? I was literally shaking. I had to tell him.

Zig and Ika were in the dinner table when I came out. I told him I had to talk to him urgently. It was so urgent that I stopped him in the middle of putting a spoonful of rice in my mouth. What happened after that was a blur because of the sudden rush of emotions. There’s a vague memory of Zig saying “okay, okay. uhhh congratulations”, as if I guessed I won a raffle. What I do recall clearly was that we were both not jumping up and down for joy. Fear, anxiety and shock were the primary emotions we felt. I think it was even awkward between us the next few days because we were both still processing what we just found out. While this was happening, the next two people I told were my sisters and at least they were both overjoyed for me.

I do not remember exactly when we became okay with the pregnancy but I know it took a few days, or even weeks. I cannot speak for Zig but I started becoming at peace with the pregnancy when I sat down and worked out how we’ll be able to afford me going on mat leave. It was really our main concern because I knew that we’d rock it as parents. My first ultrasound and my terrible morning sickness was a sign that this is really happening and that got me really excited.

I decided to tell the rest of my immediate family about my pregnancy on my birthday. We had a cake (again!) customised for the announcement.

I wish I could post the full video of what went down when my whole family found out but I don’t know how to do that here. I only just figured out how to post photos! Safe to say, it was a success and everyone was incredibly thrilled. Again, another testament to God’s faithfulness and wisdom.