Where do I begin.

I don’t even know how to articulate what I am feeling or thinking. All I can say is that I am in a constant battle with my thoughts, fears and anxities about mortality – mine and others.

Mama has stage 4 cancer. seeing this written down feels like a gut punch. But it is real. We can dance around it at home, we can use less confronting words, we can push it at the back of our minds for as much as we can… but it’s there. The figurative elephant in the room. the tiny sinkhole on the ground that everyone is aware of and avoiding but is slowly growing to point that it will eventually eat you whole.

As I grapple with this horrendous disease, i think of Adam and how he will handle this if this were him. what an ordeal that would be and how can he cope being an only child? we are 4 siblings, each with our own specialties. so we have the luxury of tag-teaming this situation. but adam? he will be alone.

And so this is the constant mental turmoil in my head. grappling with the present and fearful of the future.

People say take it one day at a time. Fair. Sensible. The only realistic thing we can do. I completely agree. But as I take one step, i find myself looking over my shoulder often, afraid of what is lurking right behind me.

Through this journey, I am torn between faith and science. The forever debate. Science tell us this. But faith gives hope that things will be different. I can’t even dare articulate what this means for Mama. I am not ready. I am still afraid. But it’s something that i am also wrestling with.

It is confusing. It is a lot to take in. Everyday is a struggle to quiet down the thoughts. I am grateful for distractions and pockets of joy here and there. The fact that I am able to write this after a year-long absence is a gift in itself (bossing Adam is out with his cousin). But for the life of me I still do not know how to manage the web hosting and whatnot that comes with this.